I held the brakes on my bike and screamed for my dad and sisters to stop their bikes too. I was struggling to catch my thoughts as the tears flooded my face. All I could think about was how in the world would I live up to my oldest sister. `

My dad and sisters didn’t understand what was going on, and I struggled to spit words out while I hyperventilated. 

The days prior to this bike ride were filled with college talk and high school talk. I was in fifth grade, but I listened to everything my sisters talked about with our parents.

Growing up, I felt as though when my sisters reached a new stage in life I did too. When they grew out of their Disney Junior phase, so did I. When they started watching “big kid” movies, so did I. And when they moved on to high school, so did I – in the school I created at the desk in our game room.

So when Kathleen started looking at colleges as a freshman, so did I. My mom told Kathleen to start researching schools she wanted to apply to, and so I did the same. I found a website that helped me. I looked for schools on the East Coast, schools connected to beaches and schools that would have my future major. 

Finding all these schools I dreamed of attending was helpful in the sense that I had a goal, but it also added pressure. I told myself if I never reached these schools, I would be a failure not just to myself but to my family.  

I have been told to look up to my sisters, because they are good role models. I took those comments literally. I wanted everything academically they had. I wanted to be on a club soccer team as good as Kathleen’s. I wanted to be a freshman on varsity just like both of them. Why pave your own way when you could copy exactly what they did and get that for yourself? That is what I told myself.

It didn’t help that all I have been told since I was 4 years old is that I am identical to this sister or twins with that sister. I have been told I act most like Kathleen, if she was on steroids – which just means I can be more intense. 

For the four years Kathleen was in high school, I only saw the stuff that went on outside of school. I was lucky enough to be there when Kathleen rushed to finish a college application on Halloween night, and I was one of the first people she hugged when she got accepted into Rice University. 

With Maya, I was able to be more present because I was at the same school her senior year. I watched as she created her website for Texas High School Journalist of the Year. And I sat in the front row when she won seven awards at TAJE’s Fall Fiesta. 

As I have matured, I feel much less stressed when I watch Maya or Kathleen do something. When Maya got accepted to Yale University, I had the honor to be one of the first people she told. There was no ounce of jealousy or pressure I put on myself. I felt just pure joy and happiness. 

I am also lucky in the fact that I have two sisters who have pretty much done everything in high school. They can warn me about what I shouldn’t waste my time doing or give me ideas of what clubs I should join or after-school activities I would most likely love. 

I have become accustomed to being asked where I plan to go to college or being told you have a lot to live up to. It can be exhausting telling myself I am enough when so many other people want me to be my sister. 

My whole life I have been told you never win the comparison game. I never truly understood that, because I believed comparing myself to others led to my success. Now, I know the comparison game is the only thing holding me back.